BIRTH - 2024/10/29 10:42 PM

Its been a while. I always end up forgetting about journals, but I insist on trying them. Ive been working since january on a coffee shop, life has been well.ive had ups and downs, i'd argue more downs than ups, but im still standing. trying to think positively. my birthday comes in about 5 days, its so weird to think that ive been alive for 21 years already.My coworker is pregnant, she'll leave soon. I'm sure I'll miss her when she's gone; I hope her husband takes care of her and their kid, He's a fucking bastard, he's always mistreating her. I started taking antidepressants, already am 6 months deep in HRT. My husband spoiled me the last few days giving me gifts. Life has been kind. I still feel empty sometimes. i dont feel i lack anything, but there is a hole. there is a void.maybe the void is me. maybe nothingness itself is something. I hope i am something good. I did something bad today, it upset my husband. I cut myself again; its been almost a year since I last self harmed. He was sad that i hurt myself, we worked things out. My day was shit actually. but I think maybe its ok.

HOPELESS - 2024/01/18 11:12 AM

i quit my old job. then i started looking for another job. then i got a job, and i still feel as stuck as ever. nothing makes sense.i think everyone at my new job hates me. they have all been working together for a long time, im the new one. there is also another new person there, but they seemed to like her instantly. i dont know what im doing wrong. i wish i understood the little unspoken rules of human interaction. i wish i knew how to make friends. i wish i was accepted, i wish i could be part of something, i wish people didnt reject me. i wish i was likeable, i wish a lot of things none of them will ever come to be.

STUCK - 2023/11/09 04:33 PM

sometimes i wish i didnt exist at all. i feel trapped. i was born to work, i was born to produce. i dont want to. i want to live. i want to feel, i want to experience, i want to

MY LIFE - 2023/11/09 04:33 PM

things have been so weird lately. everything feels like a weird dream. or maybe a nightmare. i feel in a constant state of not existing and also wishing i didnt exist at all. its weird

i quit my job today, i couldnt stand going there anymore. i dont have paper to print my resumes anymore.im sure i'll find my way around this, i hope things will be okay

i finished reading moominpappa at sea. it is indeed a very lonely book. i think the groke is the loneliest of them all.

FNAF MOVIE - 2023/10/28 07:55 PM

I watched the fnaf movie yesterday! i quite like it! i think it was a good, fuck them critics. it would have made 14 year old me so fucking happy, i never thought the movie would ever come out for real, i'm really just glad it happened at all yknow. but i liked the movie itself too, i didnt like it ONLY because its a FNAF movie.

also mike be looking very submissive and breeadable

MOOMINPAPPA AT SEA - 2023/10/20 05:48PM

i'm currently reading moominpappa at sea for the first time. I gotta say, i did not expect the book to had such a dark undertone to it. I cant say i dislike it, but it makes me uneasy. not because of the book itself, but rather because of how much I relate to it. my family has currently been in times of crisis ( althought its one of a different one from the moomin's), we're now in a new, unfamiliar and scary place, isolated for all that matters, and trying to do our best while at it.

Its a great book,i have loved all of the moomin-books ive read until now, and this one is no exception. I dont know much of tove's life, but i wonder what she was going throught to write such a story. I like to think we always put a bit of ourselves in our works, be it by accident or on purpose.

I miss my old home, i miss my friends, i miss my boyfriend.

I can make new friends, i can get used to this new place, and my boyfriend will move in with us soon; things will be okay in some way, but things will never go back to how they were before.

this isnt necessarily a bad thing tho. things werent really good before, they were just better. or perhaps they only seen better now because i'm in an uncomfortable situation. who knows.

I HAVENT BEEN WORKING - 2023/10/20 05:10PM

my country has paid sick-leave, and universal healthcare, so this will not affect my paycheck that much!

ive been feeling panick-y when i go to work, its really been taking a toll on my mental health. i spoke to my doctor, she understood the situation and gave me a few days off. I think i'm gonna quit on the next payment day; I hope i'll be able to use some of that money on myself as well, but i think it will be ok.

there's a guy from work that has a crush on me, he's cute, but a bit pushy. its kinda fucked up, but, he's literally the only person that gets along with me there for real. so I hang out with him anyway; i already told him i have a boyfriend, and that i love him very much. he said he understands and that its ok. He insisted on hitting on me a while after that, but i think he's fully accepting it now.

I feel so alone all the time. i kinda feel like i lost all my friends. its a shame i wont see him anymore after i quit.

i could keep contact with him of course, but.... idk. i dont think i feel comfortable with that. Im not delusional, i know he only spends time with me because he's into me. i spend time with me because my time at work makes me miserable and he's the only person that seems to somewhat get me. it seems like a fair exchange. when i quit, i wont be as miserable as before, so it makes sense for us to lose contact.

I HAVE A ROOM - 2023/10/20 05:00PM

hey there! so, here's the thing: I have a room for myself now!

things were pretty rough financially for the last few months, and they still are, but a friend has donated two of her mattresses, so now we dont have to sleep all crammed up together!

we were all sleeping together at my mother's room since we moved; the owner of the apartment left behind a double mattress we were using.

I have already unpacked all of my stuff and decorated my room, put all my little trinkets up and about and a few posters as well. I have a few stuffed animals my boyfriend gave to me as gifts, ive been keeping them in my bed and using them as pillows for a while now, theyre pretty comfy and look cute.

the cats have liked my new room, theyre staying with me all the time, its pretty nice. i like company.

shame they cant stay in bed with me when my boyfriend comes, since he's allergic and all that :c

INTRODUCTION - 2023/10/20 04:55PM

hello there! i dont think anyone will ever read any of this, but if for venture i find this in the far future, when ive already forgotten about neocities or maybe someone out there actually finds this, i'd like to make a little introduction and talk about me and what this is for me.

Im samuel, 19 at the moment; both of my grandparents just died and RN, things arent going very well. I live with my mom and my sister, and soon, my boyfriend will come join us too.

Im working at a fancy restaurant some semi-rich people like to go to eat fish and stuff, but I only work at the desserts and salads session, which is nice, i like making desserts.

I want to quit my job tho; my coworkers suck, and my boss always expects me to work overtime (and mind you, they dont pay the overtime work i do). I hope the local starbucks I sent my resume to today calls me back for an interview, i really do.

the only thing i know about coding is HTML, javascript and all the other stuff sound way too scary for me to actually try it; i was feeling pretty damn bored a few months ago and just decided to learn HTML for the sake of it and found neocities and decided it was a good place to start testing what i was learning. i really hope this doesnt look too terrible when i look at it later.

other than occupying myself with neocities, i like drawing! i have an art blog which i already have linked in other pages here. i feel like i'm gonna be repeating myself if i just keep talking about this here, so go to the about me page if youre curious!